


One More Light

by SemperAeternumQue



Series: Finding Your Place: A Silmarillion Modern AU [3]
Category: The Lord of the Rings - J. R. R. Tolkien, The Silmarillion and other histories of Middle-Earth - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: "I do", "Who cares if one more light goes out", Adoption, Angst with a Happy Ending, But he's getting better, Child Abandonment, Child Abuse, Depression, Earendil and Elwing are bad parents, Elrond is not okay, F/M, Families of Choice, Gen, Glorfindel is not okay, Hopeful Ending, Inspired by Music, Linkin Park is a good band, Maedhros is NOT OKAY, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, That's not relevant to the story sorry, Unconventional Families, but he's also getting better
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-23
Updated: 2019-05-23
Packaged: 2020-03-10 01:13:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,317
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18928306
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SemperAeternumQue/pseuds/SemperAeternumQue
Summary: Elrond tells his story to a group of teens.





	One More Light

**Author's Note:**

> This was not meant to be a vent fic about Elrond struggling with depression, but lo and behold, it is. It got away from me a little, sorry. This was so cathartic to write, you have no idea. It's amazing to be able to write a character who's struggled so much but came through the darkness to the other side. Elrond is my favorite character to write by far in this whole modern AU. 
> 
> Anyways, on to the warnings! PLEASE READ. This contains mentions of child abandonment, suicide, suicidal thoughts, alcoholism, major character death and child abuse. That being said, there is a hopeful ending, but it's still a pretty dark fic. Look after yourselves.
> 
> I'm also pretty nervous about this one, so please do leave feedback!

_The room full of teens shifts restlessly. There have been many speakers already today, and they are tired of sitting quietly. The room is very warm, but many wear long sleeves regardless. It cannot be comfortable._

_Eventually, the short lady in charge of organizing the event steps up to the podium._

_"Alright, everyone. We have one last speaker today. Please welcome Mr. Finwean. He has a very important story to tell, and I think you'll like him very much."_

_A dark-haired man with a kind smiles comes to the makeshift stage. "Thank you, Mrs. Peterson." He turns to the audience of teens._

Hello.

My name is Elrond Finwean, and I am here to share my story, in hopes of helping people who were as close to giving up as I was. 

 

I was born Elrond Doriathim-Marina on February 24, 1970, to Earendil Marina and Elwing Doriathim. I lived in New York City for the first few years of my life only later moving to the Bay Area.

 

When I was four years old, my father left to Europe so he could visit his family.

He never returned.

I hardly remember him, except as a blur of golden hair and smiles. He was kind, that much I remember. He was kind while he was here, but he left, blowing away like a leaf in the wind. He never liked to stay in one place long.

 

When I was five years old, my mother left me and my twin Elros at a playground in Central Park.

We never saw her again, nor heard a word of where she went.

I remember that she had hair dark like me and was very beautiful but never smiled.

That is all I remember.

 

Two weeks after my mother left us, a kind stranger named Maglor picked us up off the streets and took us home to his brother, Maedhros.

He was a starving musician and his brother a waiter who took classes in law at night school, but they cared for us all the same.

 

When I was six, we moved to San Jose.

Elros and I started first grade at a public high school, and immediately a gang of kids who would later call themselves ‘The Orcs’ took a dislike to us. They were the biggest, roughest kids in first grade, and it was common for Elros and me to come home banged up and bruised.

Elros fought back. I never could.

The Orcs also tried psychological harm. They found out about our pasts, and every time they passed us in the hall or saw us on the playground, they would yell that no one loved us because our parents had left and we were adopted. That hurt worse than the bruises ever did.

 

When I was eight, I broke my nose. I tripped on the sidewalk while I was running away from the bullies, and landed on my face.

I didn’t go home that day. I went to the library instead, where the librarian always let me stay. She used to help me clean and hide my bruises, which I hid because I didn’t want my parents to know how bad it was.

After a while, Maglor and Maedhros found me in the library. They had called the whole neighborhood out to help search for me, they were so worried.

 

When I was eleven, I broke my arm. The bullies were chasing me across the playground, and I slipped and fell.

My parents came. The school wanted to know what happened.

I told them I slipped, not mentioning my pursuers.

 

When I was twelve, I cut my arm open. I rolled across the pavement, trying to get away from the Orcs, and there was a chunk of glass on the ground.

I had to go to the ER since the wound was deep and large and one of my fathers, Maglor, absolutely panicked.

 

When I was fourteen, I got a concussion. My first year of high school, my locker was next to the Orcs’ lockers. One of them shoved me into it, and I hit my head on the metal.

I told my parents I tripped. I know they did not believe me, but they let it drop.

 

When I was seventeen, I nearly died.

I was a junior in high school, depressed and lonely. Elros had transferred to a boarding school for his last two years of high school, and I had no other friends, unlike him.

I had struggled with depression for a long time, and the bullies started getting to me. They would tell me I wasn’t loved. They would tell me nobody cared because no one came to help me.

I believed them.

I tried to end my life, believing no one cared if I was there or not. I leaped off the Golden Gate Bridge, but someone caught me.

Glorfindel Goldenflower was a junior at my school, gregarious and friendly. Unlike me, the nerd boy, he was good at sports and very handsome. His charisma drew people to him naturally, so he was one of the most popular kids without even trying.

That day, I found out that he wasn’t what he seemed. Glorfindel was always friendly, but I found out that he was also legitimately kind underneath his persona. He was intelligent too and got good grades, but his life was not as perfect as it seemed.

He lived with his brother because both of his parents were gone. His father was a deadbeat alcoholic and his mother was dead. Yet he went on, and he conquered his demons.

For the first time, I wanted to do the same.

 

Glorfindel became my closest friend throughout high school. He and I were the kids who were so close to being pulled under, but we refused to fall through the cracks.

I clung to him as my anchor when I felt like the slightest breeze could blow me away.

When I felt like cracking, he held me together. When he was close to the edge, I pulled him back.

 

When I was nearly eighteen, I almost died for the second time. I tried to slit my wrists. I felt like I couldn’t go on, but I remembered Glorfindel saying ‘you can.’ So I did. I called him, and he talked me out of it.

I went to my parents, and they begged me to let them help.

I went on.

 

When I was twenty, Elros dropped out of college to go to some ‘Isle of the Gift’. We never heard from him again.

It was only the pleading of my roommate and a call to Glorfindel that kept me from shattering right there and then. I called my parents. I stayed. I went on.

 

When I was twenty-two, the summer before my first year of medical school, Fingon died in a car crash. He was never as much of a father to me as Maedhros or Maglor, but the loss still hit hard.

Maglor and I survived it. Maedhros did not.

 

When I was twenty-three, exactly one year later, I heard Maglor scream. I came downstairs to find Maedhros with his wrists cut, the knife still laying next to him. I called the ambulance.

We went to the hospital.

Maedhros was pronounced dead.

Maglor and I clung to each other like limpets, afraid to lose the other.

We grew closer than ever before, the only remaining members of our family.

There were dark days, dark weeks, dark months. Sometimes the only thing that held me together was knowing that Maglor needed me.

I was angry. I was furious. Maedhros had left us when we needed him most, and that was hard to forgive.

Yet at the same time, I couldn’t stay angry. How could I, when I understood all too well what it was like to feel like you can’t go on? How could I condemn him for taking his life when I tried to do the same?

If Glorfindel hadn’t been there for me, it would have been Maedhros mourning me, not me him. I knew intimately what it was like to give in to despair, and I could never truly blame him for doing so. 

At the end of the day, I was more sad than angry. My family was gone, all but Maglor.

I was a powder keg about to explode. I was a vase with a thousand cracks. My grades in medical school dropped. I hardly ate, hardly slept.

I was tired of the world that was cruel enough to take Maedhros away.

 

Eventually, my roommate staged an intervention. He told me, “Listen, Elrond. You are going to die if you go on like this. Get a therapist, get antidepressants, do what you need to do. You can’t keep going like this.”

I told him no, so he broke into my phone and called Glorfindel. I never knew what passed between them, but a few days later, Glorfindel showed up on my doorstep.

He got me to the medical office and made me tell them what was going on. He helped me pay for therapy since we were no longer covered by Maedhros’ state medical insurance. He took me places and introduced me to new people. He helped me live again.

 

It was through Glorfindel’s help that I met Celebrian. She was far, far out of my league, as I was a broke, rather nerdy medical student and she was a gorgeous college graduate with a steady job, but somehow she took a liking to me anyways.

We were married two years later, and a few years after that Elladan and Elrohir were born. Arwen was born two years after the twins, and Celebrian and I loved all our children dearly.

 

When I was thirty-seven, Celebrian left. The twins were six and Arwen was four.

I never found out what happened to Celebrian. She had struggled with addiction, and I wanted her to go to rehab. She went.

She did not come back.

 

I was plunged back into depression. Everyone left. My mother, my father. Elros. Fingon and Maedhros. Now Celebrian. I continued to work at the hospital, but my heart was never in it. The only thing I lived for was my children. I had three beautiful children now, and I was not about to let them be orphans.

That was when Estel entered my life. My adopted fourth child, he was initially one of my patients.

He was a solemn little child, just over three years old, and had recently been rescued from an abusive home. They wanted me to check him over.

Estel looked at me with those sad, sad eyes, older than any child’s should be, and I saw myself in him.

I saw the abandoned child I had been some thirty-two years ago, and I decided that he needed me just as I had needed Maglor.

 

Aragorn Estel Finwean officially became part of my family a little over two months later. Because he had been rescued from an abusive home, there was no dispute over custody. I was considered qualified as an adoptive parent since I had a steady job and already was raising three other children, so the only hurdle was finding someone to take joint custody with me. Because I did have a full-time job, I would need someone to help take care of the children.

Once again, Glorfindel came through. He moved into my house, finding a part-time job as a self-defense instructor, and took custody with me. He also managed to convince Maglor to use my house as a home base, since Maglor often traveled for his music.

With that rather odd system in place, Maglor, Glorfindel and I settled down to raise the children.

 

Estel became a bright beam of hope in our lives, and my other children love him, Arwen in particular. She is now twelve, and Estel is eleven. Elladan and Elrohir are thirteen.

There are hard days. I don’t think there will ever not be hard days. But as long as I have my family, I will go on.

I still struggle sometimes. I still talk to a therapist, and there are still days when I call Glorfindel at random times and I tell him ‘I can’t do this’. He tells me ‘you can’. Sometimes he calls me and says ‘I’m alone’. And I say ‘you’re not’.

 

We’re not broken, just bent.

We have each other. We always will. I am a vase with many cracks, but as long as I have my Glorfindel, he keeps me from shattering. He is a man on the edge of a cliff, but I will never let him fall.

I will never be miraculously ‘better’ but I still live. I still go on. If you ask me who cares if one more light goes out, I will tell you ‘I do’. I care.

Twenty-eight years ago to the day, I tried to kill myself for the first time. Yet here I am, with four children who I love dearly, my remaining parent, and my best friend for life. Never give up. Every life is worth something, and you are no exception.

_The room is silent. No one wants to break the spell. Elrond's story is something they can understand, connect to. They are spellbound._

_Eventually, a girl in the third row stands and claps. This sets off everyone else, and the room explodes._

_It takes a while, but Mrs. Peterson calms them down. "Thank you Mr. Finwean for coming to share your story. I am sure that many of us can relate to it, and we are very glad you chose to share it."_

_"It was no trouble. If I can keep one person from falling into despair, that will make it worth any amount of story-sharing or speeches."_

_He sits back down amid cheers, and Mrs. Peterson concludes the event._

**Finis**

**Author's Note:**

> *hides* *peeks out briefly to apologize* I didn't mean to kill Maedhros, but he was like 'Semper, I have to die. There's no way that I make it out alive, even if this is an AU'. I decided that there was no way Maedhros died if Fingon was alive, so he had to die too. Sorry guys. *resumes hiding*
> 
> My modern AU Elrond can be summed up by this series of song quotes: 
> 
> "Who cares if one more light goes out?/well I do." - One More Light, Linkin Park
> 
> "We're not broken just bent/and we can learn to love again." - Just Give Me a Reason, Pink 
> 
> "The moments when you're in so deep/it feels easier to just swim down." - It's Quiet Uptown from Hamilton
> 
> "I'm strong on the surface/not all the way through/I've never been perfect/but neither have you." - Leave Out All the Rest, Linkin Park. 
> 
> Seriously though, Linkin Park is my default writing music for Elrond.


End file.
